


Inconceivable!

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, The Princess Bride References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-28
Updated: 2011-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:10:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you’re not familiar with <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093779/">The Princess Bride</a>, <s>WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?</s> this is <i>completely</i> based on it so you’ll probably be mostly confused, but it’s still possibly capable of entertaining you.<br/>I randomly pictured Toki dressed as Westley and this happened.  Also, I kind of suck at some of the minor characters, sorry about that.<br/>Warning: character death</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inconceivable!

*Part 1*

Skwisgaar Skwigelf was the most handsome man in the world, but he was unaware of that. He lived on a small goat farm in Sweden with his mother, Serveta, and a young man named Toki who was the one who actually did all the work. Skwisgaar referred to him only as 'Farms Boy'.

Skwisgaar spent his days playing his guitar and ordering Toki around. “Farms Boy, brings me a colds drink.”  
Toki responded as he always did, “As you wish.”  
“Farms Boy, I ams not likings de way you ams polishing mine guitar. Does it betters, I wants to see mine face shinings in it by mornings.”  
“As you wish.”

Tales of Skwisgaar’s handsomeness spread across the land, and soon came to the attention of Count Twinkletits. Knowing that Prince Murderface was seeking the fairest in the land (and hadn’t specified whether they were to be male or female), the Count rode out to ogle Skwisgaar under the excuse of seeing their goats.

Serveta practically threw herself at him, but he wasn’t interested and peeled her off. It seemed possible that he wasn’t into women. “So I hear you have excellent goats, the best in the kingdom! I’d like to know your secret.”  
Serveta pouted. “Well I don’ts know! Skwisgaar! What ams our secrets!”  
“Don’ts asks me! Farms Boy feeds dem.”

“Oooh, is that your farm boy?” Twinkletits practically purred.  
Skwisgaar turned to see Toki come out of the barn, shirtless as usual. Why was the count watching him that way? Maybe he liked muscles?  
“Feeds de goats for de Counts,” Serveta instructed before heading back indoors.  
With a shrug, Toki fed the goats. The Count watched him, and Skwisgaar watched the count watch Toki.

Later that night, Skwisgaar couldn’t forget how that man had looked at Farms Boy. Of course he was nice to look at, if you were into that sort of thing, but still. But what if Farms Boy went away? Other people had goats too, after all.  
Hmm, life without Toki? Why was this upsetting him so much anyway?  
It was around dawn when he finally realized it, he was in love with Toki. And so Skwisgaar set out to tell him the good news.

Toki lived in a small shack behind the goat pens, Skwisgaar knocked on the door.  
The door opened, and Skwisgaar jumped into his (not very well) rehearsed speech, “Don’ts says anyting, jus listens. I realize last night dat I ams in loves wit you. Ands I always has been. Ands more and more, de mores I tink abouts it. Okays, you’s turn.”  
Skwisgaar smiled expectantly, but instead of speaking, Toki just shut the door in his face.

Confused and depressed, Skwisgaar spends the whole day in his room playing his guitar. At nightfall, there is a knock on his door, it was Toki.  
“Skwisgaar, I’s leavings. I’s going to Americas to gets famous.”  
“You don’ts has to be goings! We can pretends I never says dat dumb shit! We cans-“  
“Shuts up, you big idiot. I loves you, okays? I always has. Every times I say ‘as you wish’, what I means is ‘I loves you’. But I gots to do this, and then I will sends for you and we can be togethers forever.”

With that they kissed, it was a very long kiss. If someone were to go around ranking kisses, it would probably be in the top ten or so.  
When they finally broke apart, Toki had to hurry to catch his boat.  
Skwisgaar played guitar to pass the time. He started composing love songs, one after another. As the time passed, he wrote one for each of Toki’s body parts, and every other aspect he could think of.

A week later, the terrible news reached their remote farm.  
Serveta came to Skwisgaar’s room to tell him. “Skwisgaar, I has bad news. Toki’s ship was attacks by pirates.”  
“Was it de Dreadfuls Pirate Brendons? De one who nevers leaves survivors?”  
“Ja, I sorries. But maybe you finds someone betters now?” Message given, she left.  
Terribly depressed, Skwisgaar just sat on his bed. “I wills never writes loves songs again,” he vowed.

 

*Part 2*

Prince Murderface was playing in his dungeon. It was his favorite place in all the kingdom, mostly because nobody usually ever bothered him there.  
No such luck today though, Count Twinkletits was waiting patiently in the doorway, clearly feeling that what he had to say was of vital importance.  
Prince Murderface sighed. “What isch it?”  
“Your grandfather is dying, you know what that means.”  
“Schit. I guesch I have to get married now.”

King Thunderbolt had been ill for years, with Queen Stella tending his every need.  
Murderface was their sole heir, his parents having died tragically many years ago. Soon it seemed, he would finally be the king.  
But there was some weird law that required that the king be married, which was rather old fashioned but unfortunately still in effect.

And so the search for a spouse began. Every prospect had some terrible flaw though, and Prince Murderface was getting more and more frustrated and impatient. Finally he couldn’t take another bad or ugly date, and instructed the count to do the looking for him.  
“Find me the moscht attractive perschon in all the land.”  
“Actually I know exactly who that is, but perhaps we need to talk about a few of your issues first.”  
“No, juscht bring me to them.”

And so they rode out to the goat farm, and saw Skwisgaar sitting on the fence playing his guitar.  
“That’sch a dude,” the Prince complained.  
“You said the most attractive person, and this is him.” The Count had done much research.  
“That’sch a good point. I guesch I schouldn’t be scho critical, he isch very attractive. Wait here.” The Prince rode down to Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar looked up from his playing, “What does you wants?”  
“I am your prince and you will marry me,” Prince Murderface announced.  
“No tanks, I don’ts loves you.”  
“What? I don’t love you either, I just need schombody really attractive!”  
“Oh, in dat case, what de hells.”  
And with that, they were engaged.

 

*Part 3*

And so Skwisgaar moved into the royal castle and started learning how to act like a royal snob. He caught on really quick too. The common people all seemed to adore him, and he liked being adored quite a lot.  
But one day he went for a walk in the woods and came across a very odd trio. One man was huge and scary looking, one was a sharp dresser, and the last was clearly drunk, and also looked like he hadn’t washed his hair in several years.  
While he was studying them, the big guy chloroformed him and he passed out.

Skwisgaar woke up on a boat, but pretended to still be asleep. They were talking about him.  
“Dude, it rally sucks thet we have ta kill ‘em when we git there.”  
“Yeah. We should just not tell him. We’ll say we’re taking him to a party, or something.”  
“He already knows, he’s awake. We’re being paid a lot of money for this, so let’s sail faster, chop chop.”  
Deciding it was pointless to fake sleep any longer, Skwisgaar decided to act.

He jumped overboard, realizing immediately that this was a pretty stupid plan since there was no land in sight.  
“Dude, cahm back! There’s sharks an’ shit out there!”  
That sounded bad, and while he hesitated they turned the boat and the big guy scooped him up.  
“Hi there,” the drunk guy said. “I’m Pickles, thet’s Nathan, an’ tha suit is Charles.”  
Nathan was scanning the horizon. “Are you sure we’re not being followed?”  
“I’m quite sure that would be inconceivable.”

Skwisgaar looked, and sure enough there seemed to be a boat behind them. Probably Prince Murderface coming to his rescue.  
Charles was looking too. “Inconceivable!”  
“Dude, is he gainin’ ahn us?”  
“It doesn’t matter, soon we’ll be safely at the Cliffs of Profanity.”  
And sure enough, they were sailing for the steepest part of the cliffs.

Once they were finally there, Skwisgaar noticed a rope dangling down. Charles busied himself tying all of them to Nathan, who then began to climb.  
Very soon, he was swearing, “This is really fucking hard! Shit, for skinny ass motherfuckers you all weigh a fucking ton! This is bullshit!”  
“Shut up and climb!” Charles swatted him on the back of the head.  
And slowly they climbed, though Nathan didn’t shut up.

“Dude’s climbin’ tha rope!” Pickles looked down and got dizzy, “Whoa...”  
“Inconceivable! Climb faster, Nathan!”  
“Fuck you, you cumsucking goatwhore! Argh, shit!” But he tried to climb faster anyway.  
Skwisgaar didn’t look, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t the Prince climbing the rope, in fact he was certain of that. The Prince was rather chubby and out of shape. You couldn’t tell him that or he’d have you killed, but it was still true.

Finally they reached the top. Charles climbed off, then helped the others over the edge.  
Skwisgaar got his first look at the man who was following them, definitely not Prince Murderface or Count Twinkletits. He was dressed all in blue, with some sort of mask covering his hair and most of his face.  
He was climbing the rope very quickly, at this speed he would soon reach the top.

Then Charles cut the rope, and it snaked over the edge.  
Pickles looked over the edge. “He didn’t fall.”  
“Inconceivable!”  
“Dude, he’s still climbin’, he’s jest slower now.”  
“Inconceivable! Nathan, carry him. Pickles, wait here and finish him off if he makes it to the top.”  
Nathan scooped up Skwisgaar and flung him over his shoulder. They headed inland.

Pickles waited impatiently, peering over the edge as the Man in Blue slowly crawled upward. “Can ya hurry it up sahm?”  
“Maybe you can throws me a fuckings rope, if you’s in such a big damn tits hurries!”  
“Okie.” And Pickles dropped the spare rope down.  
Very soon, the man was at the top.

The Man in Blue crawled over to a rock to rest. “Well thanks for that.”  
“Dude, no prahblem. Well, ‘cept thet I’m supposed ta do ya in now.” Pickles pulled out a bottle and a couple shot glasses. “Uh, ya don’t happen ta have metal hands, do ya?”  
“Does you normally begins conversations this ways?” The Man in Blue took off his gloves, showing perfectly normal hands.  
“My uncle was drank ta death by a man with metal hands. I’ve been lookin’ fer him fer revenge.”  
“I hopes you finds him. Shoulds we get starteds now?”

And so they did shots. Pickles was a master drinker, having devoted most of his life to practicing it. He’d traveled the world, drinking everything he could, winning drinking contest after drinking contest. In years, no on had come close to beating him.  
But this man was doing very well, so well that Pickles was starting to worry. What if he’d lost his edge?  
Eventually, Pickles passed out. The Man in Blue quickly made himself puke up the alcohol, then ran off in the direction the others had gone.

Watching from a big rock, Charles was amazed. “He beat Pickles? Inconceivable!”  
“You keep saying that word, maybe you should like, look it up in a dictionary or something.”  
“I’ll take the pretty boy, you stay here and finish him. Smash him with a rock or something, I don’t care, just do it.”  
Charles dragged Skwisgaar off, and Nathan shrugged and picked up a rock. A rock was a pretty stupid weapon, why didn’t he get anything cool?

The Man in Blue cane around a bend and saw Nathan. “Lets me guess, you’s supposed to kills me?”  
“Um, yeah. Sorry about that, it’s my job.”  
“I understands.”  
Nathan assumed a wrestling type pose, but the Man in Blue simply jumped on his back and started choking him instead. ‘Well this sucks,’ he thought as he passed out.  
“Sorries, but I’s in a hurry here.” He patted the big guy apologetically and ran off down the trail.

He came to a clearing, and there was Charles holding a knife to Skwisgaar’s throat. “Unless you either go away or come up with an intellectual challenge, I’ll just kill him.”  
“I has frogs! One’s a poison darts frog, one’s just looks like one. You chooses a frog, then we both licks them at the same time?”  
“Ah, a zoology challenge! Very well, present your frogs.”  
Two shallow glass jars (with air holes in the lids) were set on a rock, each containing a blue frog. “Okays, you picks a frogs, then we licks.”

Charles studied the frogs. “This is simple. Oh look over there!” He pointed.  
The Man in Blue looked, but there was nothing there. “Whats?”  
“Never mind.” He held up a jar, “I’ve made my choice.”  
The man took the other, and they unscrewed the caps. “On the counts of three? One, twos, three!”  
They licked the frogs, and Charles promptly fell over dead.  
Skwisgaar was shocked, “So he picks de poison one?”  
“They’s both poison, I’s immunes. But don’ts kiss me for abouts an hour unless you wants to die.”

As the Man in Blue draged him off, Skwisgaar decided to bargain. “You know, I ams engages to de Prince. He will pays you anyting you wants.”  
“Oh, so you loves him because he’s rich?”  
“I never says I loves him! And I ams tired of beings dragged all overs de place, so you cans jus go dies!” He pushed the Man in Blue down a really steep hill.  
“As... you... wish...”  
“Oh shits, Toki! I fucks up!” And Skwisgaar flung himself down the hill as well.

At the bottom, Skwisgaar pounced. “I thought you was deads! Dey tells me dat de Dreadfuls Pirate Brendons kills you! How can dis be?”  
“Long stories, but I’s the Dreadfuls Pirate Brendon now.”  
The mask had fallen off, and it was most definitely Toki. Skwisgaar tried to kiss him, only to be pushed away.  
“Don’ts kiss me, dumbass, I just licks poison! But you can hugs me.”  
Skwisgaar was willing to settle for that, for now. The lay clinging in the grass.

“So, tells me how you ams been a pirate for twensty years when you just leaves a few months ago?”  
“We was attacks at night but Brendon didn’ts kill me, onlies everybody else. He lets me stays on his ship. Every night he tells me ‘Goodnights, Toki, Sleeps good. I mostly likely kills you in the mornings’ but he never does. Then one day he tells me he’s not the reals Brendon, his name is Crozier. The real Brendon has been retires for years, and now I’s Brendon.”

Skwisgaar nodded, although he didn’t really understand. But Toki was a pirate now, that was sort of sexy. Too bad he couldn’t kiss him without dying...  
Toki interupted his thoughts, “We gots to go now, your stupid Prince is goings to be after us.”  
They hurried off, unfortunately the only way out of this stupid valley thing was through the Pyre Swamp. Toki was hoping Skwisgaar’s less that wonderful geography skills would keep him from noticing this.

It worked until they came to the ‘Welcome to the Pyre Swamp’ sign.  
“Oh Toki, we can’ts go in dere! I has heard horrible tings!”  
“Whats, scream activated lightning sands? Yard Wolves of Unusuals Size? They probably don’ts exist. Besides, this is the only ways out so deals with it.”  
And so they went in, weaving through the plants and crap. All was going well until Skwisgaar walked into a spider web and screamed. This caused the sand to activate and suck him down.

Fortunately it had been a short scream, so he’d only sunk up to his waist. Toki pulled him out, “Don’t scream again, you dildos.”  
He probably would have said more, but he was then jumped by a Y.W.O.U.S. that happened to be passing by. They rolled around on the ground for a bit, then Toki screamed for the sand and pushed it off of him, rolling out of the way. It worked, the beast was sucked out of sight.  
“See, nothings to it. Let’s goes.”  
And they walked the rest of the way out with no problems.

Unfortunately, Prince Murderface and Count Twinkletits (and some soldiers) were waiting for them on the other side.  
Toki sized them up, but suddenly Skwisgaar stepped froward. “Mine Prince, if you promises not to be hurtings dis man, I will still marries you.”  
“Schure, I promische. Now come with me.”  
“He ams de Dreadfuls Pirate Brendons, returns him to his ship!”  
“Schure, whatever you schay.” He motioned inpatiently.  
Skwisgaar climbed up behind them and they rode off.

“Well that sucks.” Toki felt a bit betrayed.  
Count Twinkletits nodded agreeably, “Well let’s get you to your ship then.”  
“I knows you’s lyings.” He took a closer look at the Count. “Oh heys, you has metal hands. I know somebodies that’s looking for you.”  
The Count looked displeased at this news.  
And then they seized him.

 

*Part 4*

Pickles was drinking, because that’s what he was good at. He hadn’t been able to find Nathan or Charles when he’d woke up, so he’d just wandered home on his own. Actually, it was kind of amazing that he’d even found his way.  
He was also terribly depressed because the Man in Blue had defeated him. Maybe he was unworthy of his revenge? Hell, he couldn’t even find the guy, that was pretty lame. How many men with metal hands could there possibly be? And wouldn’t people notice?

Toki woke up in a dungeon, strapped down to some sort of table. This was the sort of situation that rarely ended well. There was a strange device in the corner, it seemed to have a lot of suction cup type things attached to wires.  
A creepy pale guy was sweeping the floor, dressed all in white. When he turned, Toki saw that he was some sort of monster with lights instead of eyes.  
“Where ams I?”  
“You’re in the Prince’s dungeon, babe! And you’re in for a really bad trip, sorry about that.” He went back to sweeping, and Toki waited.

After a while, Count Twinkletits came down. “Hello, Toki, how are you feeling? I’m very interested in feelings, you see. You see my machine? It makes people feel, so I can study them.”  
Toki pretended that he wasn’t listening.  
“You’re probably wondering how it works. It’s very simple really, each of these little suction cups contains a small speaker. We’ll cover you with them, and subject you to music that invades every cell of your body. We believe we’ve found the _perfect_ song for it too, maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called Friday.”  
Toki pretended even harder that he wasn’t listening.

Meanwhile, the wedding plans were going well.  
Then King Thunderbolt died suddenly, and Murderface was crowned King. Instead of the elaborate ceremony that had been planned, they were married quietly since the kingdom was in mourning.  
Now that Skwisgaar was... actually, no one had ever told him what his title would be, but whatever he was, he realized that he’d made a horrible mistake. It shouldn’t be Murderface he was waiting in bed for, it should have been Toki.  
Then Murderface walked in naked, and Skwisgaar woke up screaming. It had only been a dream.

But now he realized that he couldn’t marry Murderface, so he went to mention that. “I don’t loves you and I can’ts marries you. I loves Toki.”  
“Tough schit, schweetheart.”  
“Fine den, maybe I just kills mineself?”  
“Let’sch not be haschty here. Maybe he doeschn’t want to marry you? You did leave him, after all.”

Skwisgaar looked devastated by that possibility. It was true, he was a horrible person!  
Murderface put an arm around him. “I’ll tell you what: I’ll schend my faschtest schips to find him, and if he getsch here before the wedding then he can have you. If not, you marry me.”  
“Ja, okays!” Cheered up, Skwisgaar wandered off.  
Count Twinkletits smiled at the Prince. “Well played. Now when you kill him on your wedding night so you can start a war, everyone will remember how you loved him enough to try to find some guy for him.”  
“Awschome, I know. I’m a geniusch.”

In the dungeon, Count Twinkletits had begun his experiments on Toki. It took about an hour every time to put the speakers on him, and then the music started, if that could even be called music. Even at this low volume it was painful to hear, but Toki blocked it out and thought of Skwisgaar’s guitar playing instead.  
After every session, he pretended to be traumatized and the Count seemed to eat it up, taking lots of notes.

A bunch of pre-wedding crap was going on, and the Prince had increased security to maintain that illusion that he actually loved Skwisgaar. He had large hooded men collecting anyone who might be a problem and throwing them in jail until after the ceremony.  
Pickles was upset that a couple large men were trying to take him to jail. Suddenly, one of the men punched out the other and then took off his hood.  
“Nathan! I thought ya were dead!”  
“Uh, no. I’m not dead, but Charles really is. Let’s go in so they’ll stop trying to arrest you.”

Sure enough, nobody bothered them once they were inside.  
“Oh hey, remember when you were telling me about that guy with metal hands you’ve been looking for? I saw him, it’s Count Twinkletits.”  
“Finally I can avenge my uncle’s death! Cahm’an, let’s go to tha castle!”  
“It’s not that simple. The Prince has like, all these guards and stuff. We need a plan.”  
Pickles was looking a bit demented. “We need tha Man in Blue!”

Nathan considered this. “Great idea, Pickles! Except we have no idea who or where he is. But I overheard something about him being Skwisgaar’s true love. And, you know, he _did_ kick our asses when we kidnaped him.”  
“Yer raight, he did! An’ he sahmhow killed Charles too, he must be rally smart or sahmthin’. We gatta find him!”  
“Uh, I guess we can ask around? Maybe? I really don’t know.”

Back at the castle, Skwisgaar had _finally_ noticed that the ships that had supposedly been sent were still in the harbor, and confronted Murderface. “You lies to me! I don’ts wants to be marrying a cowardsly liar!”  
“Too fucking late, asschole, the wedding’sch tonight! Now go make yourschelf pretty!”  
Skwisgaar pouted off, having no plan.  
Murderface waited until he was out of sight, then ran to his dungeon.

Count Twinkletits was in mid-experiment when the Prince burst in and ran to Toki. “He schtill lovesch you! Nobody lovesch me, becausche I’m fat!” Then he grabbed the dial and turned it all the way up.  
“Not to fifty!” protested the Count, but it was too late.  
Toki tried to think only of Skwisgaar, but at this volume it was impossible. Friday eclipsed everything in the world with a terrible and deadly force. Unable to resist, Toki let out a horrible scream.

Everyone in the land heard the scream, though only one recognized it.  
“Nathan! Thet scream, thet’s tha Man in Blue! We gatta find him!”  
“How can you be sure?”  
“Dude, he’s _sufferin’_ , who else would it be? Tha wedding is tanight!”  
And so they ran, Nathan simply plowing a path through the crowd and Pickles running along in his shadow. 

 

*Part 5*

The ran and ran, and eventually came to a door.  
“Hey man, you can’t just be barging in there!” A weird pale guy with lights for eyes blocked the entrance.  
“Who tha feck are ya?”  
“Dick Knubbler, babe! But seriously, you don’t wanna go down there.  
“MOVE!” Nathan shoved him violently aside, unfortunately into a tree. A well placed kick took care of the door, and they ran down the stairs.

And more stairs, and _more_ stairs, because they hadn’t thought to look for an elevator.  
Finally they got to the bottom, and there on a table lay the Man in Blue. And he was dead. Nathan poked him to be sure. Burtal.  
Pickles wasn’t giving up that easily. “Cahm’an, carry him. We’re goin’ ta tha witch doctor and gittin’ him resurected.”  
With a shrug, Nathan flung the body over his shoulder and they went back up the stairs.

It was a long hike to the house where the witch doctor lived, but they made good time.  
Nathan pounded on the door. “HEY! WE NEED A MIRACLE!”  
A tiny window opened and an eye peered out at them. “You got any c-c-c-cocaine?”  
With a sigh, Pickles checked his pockets. “Yeah, I gat almost an 8 ball. But you gotta give us a miracle fer it!”  
“I c-c-can’t work that cheap, baby!” And the window slammed shut.

Behind the door they could hear arguing, so they waited. Soon the door opened, and a rather normal looking woman stood there. “You’ll have to excuse Leonard, he’s been grumpy ever since the King’s grandson fired him.”  
“You p-p-promised you wouldn’t b-b-ring that up again! I’m Dr. Rockso! I do c-c-c-coaine!”  
“I know, dear.” She patted his arm. “But we’re very low on cocaine, and they do seem like such nice people, I think you should help them.  
“B-b-b-but-“  
“I SAID HELP THEM”

Dr Rockso spazzed off, and the woman motioned them in. “Hi, I’m Dory. Just put him on the table.” She turned, “Leonard, get your ass out here!”  
“N-n-no! Besides, why would you w-w-want someone the King’s g-g-grandsom fired? I’d p-p-probably k-kill him!”  
“Dude, he’s already dead. An’ he’s also Skwisgaar’s true love, so you’d be fuckin’ Murderface.”  
“Oh. Okay t-them, but s-s-show me the c-c-cocaine first!”  
Pickles held up the baggie and Rockso went to work mixing stuff. Dory helped.

After a really boring hour or so, while they were quickly running out of time, Rockso finally presented them with the finished product. It looked like a roundish lump, and they were less than impressed. Pickles handed over the coke, and Dory gave some last minute instructions.  
“Don’t give it to him until you’re ready, it will only work for an hour and then he’s going to need a lot of recovery time. Now go stop that wedding!”  
Rockso was cutting lines on the table, happily ignoring them as they went out the door.

Once they got back to the castle, they were careful to stay out of sight. There were a lot of guards, so Nathan and Pickles tried to come up with a plan. And couldn’t.  
“Feck it, let’s give him tha pill. We braught him back from tha dead to tell us what ta do anyway.”  
“Okay.” Nathan leaned him against the wall. “Hold his mouth open.”  
Pickles did, and Nathan shoved the pill/ lump/ thing down.  
“Okie, I wonder how long it takes?”

“Agh, why’s you holdsing me! I kicks you’re asses!”  
“Hmm, not very long. We brought you back from the dead so you can tell us how to stop the wedding.”  
“An’ so ya can tell me how ta find tha man with metal hands!”  
“Skwisgaar’s getting marrieds tonights? Oh fucks! Why’s you not leaves me dead?”  
“Dude, chill an’ think. Oh, and what’s yer name anyway?”  
“Toki.” He appeared to be thinking.

Pickles wasn’t the patient type. “Well?”  
“I don’ts know, maybe if we sets the big guy on fires they will all get scareds and runs away?”  
“Alreet, sounds good ta me.” Pickles pulled out his lighter.  
“Wait- What- NOOO!”  
Pickles lit him, and Nathan ran screaming and flailing into the crowd of guards.  
The guards, confronted with a large flaming man, ran for their lives. Fortunately for Nathan , he tripped and fell in a big puddle that put the flames out. He was really only singed a bit.

 

*Part 6*

Pickles was helping Toki, who wasn’t walking all that well yet. When they got close enough, Nathan helped too. He wasn’t all that happy about being set on fire like that, but they were on a mission.  
With the guards gone, they easily walked into the castle. Then suddenly, Count Twinkletits stepped into the hallway.  
Pickles pulled out a bottle and waved it in the air. “Hey there! My name is Pickles tha Drummer, ya killed my uncle, prepare ta die!”  
The Count ran, and Pickles shoved Toki to Nathan and gave chase.

Meanwhile in the wedding chapel part of the castle, the ceremony was progressing. Skwisgaar was pouting because Toki didn’t come for him, and Murderface was just looking forward to killing this cocky bastard on their honeymoon.  
There was a commotion in the hallway, making Murderface nervous. “Juscht schay married! Juscht schay it!”  
The priest did, and it was over.

Taken to his room to wait, Skwisgaar decided to be all emo and kill himself after all. Murderface had a shitload of knives, so he just picked one that looks sharp and not too painful.  
As he went to stab himself, he was interrupted by a voice behind him. “Wowee, you’s really goings to does it?”  
Flinging the knife across the room, Skwisgaar pounced on the bed where Toki was lying, squashing him a little in the process.

“Toki, I thought you don’ts loves me anymore! Why didn’ts you comes sooner, I’s married to Murderfaces now!”  
“You’s not married.”  
“Ja I ams, I was dere!”  
“I knows that, but he’s a dirty liar and he cheateds. You’s not married.”  
Skwisgaar seemed to cheer up at this news.

Pickles caught up with the Count. “Hey there! My name is Pickles tha Drummer, ya killed my uncle, prepare ta die!” He held out a bottle and shot glasses.  
Resigned, Count Twinkletits took a seat.  
“Hey there! My name is Pickles tha Drummer, ya killed my uncle, prepare ta die!”  
“Stop saying that!” They drank, shot after shot.  
“HEY THERE! MY NAME IS PICKLES THA DRUMMER! YA KILLED MY UNCLE, PREPARE TA DIE!”  
Two bottles later, the Count was dead of alcohol poisoning and Pickles was the winner.

Murderface ran into his room and saw Toki. “You’re dead, I killed you myschelf! Well, I guesch I have to do it agin. To he death!”  
“Noes, to the pains. You thinks you can’ts be any uglier? I can makes you way uglier, cuts you all up.” He turned his head. “Skwisgaar, ties him to the fuckings chair.”  
Skwisgaar obeyed, tying up his fake husband. “Now whats?”  
“I has no idea.”

Pickles finally found them. “Hey Toki. Heh, dude’s all tied up.”  
“Thisch ischn’t funny, asscholes!” Prince Murderface complained from his chair.  
“Hey Pickles, has you ever thoughts about whay you’s going to does now?”  
“Nah, naught rally. Why, ya gat sahmthin’?”  
“I think you’d make a pretties good Dreadfuls Pirate Brendon.”  
Pickles nodded thoughtfully, it sounded alright to him.

Then there was a voice from the window. “HEY! I FOUND SOME REALLY BRUTAL HORSES!”  
Pickles drunkenly and looked out. “Heeeeey, Nat’an... whatcha doin’?”  
“COME ON, YOU GUYS, JUMP OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW! I’LL CATCH YOU!”  
“Whooooaa...” Pickles didn’t jump so much as he lost his balance and tumbled out.  
Seeing that Pickles had lived, Skwisgaar and Toki jumped too.  
They got on the brutal black horses and rode away as fast as they could.

They rode off into a really pretty sunset, amazingly getting away with no problems. Clearly, Murderface’s men were all idiots.  
Then, still on their separate horses, Toki and Skwisgaar shared a kiss that the others found really gay. But if you were one for ranking kisses, it was definitely up there.  
Possibly even the best of all time.

THE END


End file.
